I don’t go to church with just anyone.
Now whether or not I should even bother going to church is a whole different story. I have known for years that I am currently booked on a coach flight to Hell. but my departure date is unknown, thus far. For some odd reason, the people around me insist on trying to upgrade my flight to First Class. Not that a warm moist hand towel, warm cookies, an omelette, southern biscuits and a Bloody Mary wouldn’t help calm down my already-damned Soul. And come on, who doesn’t want to plummet to the Underworld while strapped to a leather seat with a 52-inch pitch?
But, there are rules for this kind of thing.
No, I’m not talking about the Rules on those stone tablets Moses escorted down the mountain like a determined Dad accompanying his slutty daughter to her Senior Prom.
I’m talking about those unwritten rules we use every time we are confronted with a church, a steeple and a handful of badly-behaving people.
The Church wedding: I never understood the concept of marriage. You mean to tell me that there is a day that you stop sleeping around with every consenting person you meet with a symmetrical body searching the globe for your soul mate and you decide to settle for less settle down with one person who now impacts every intimate part of your life? I don’t buy it and the results don’t show it. Most of my friends are divorced, contemplating divorce, having a child to avoid a divorce or working longer hours to afford a divorce. A civil divorce would be avoided if everyone paid attention to those uninvited clues that show up on the SS Relation Ship and avoided the wedding in the first place.
What? Cancel the wedding because you have chosen the wrong person? Who the hell does that? Most people don’t, thus necessitating the creation of this long overdue indictment.
Don’t get me wrong, like most women, I LOVE weddings–it’s just that not all weddings should be held in a Church. For example, if either the Bride or Groom is having a sexual affair of any kind with either sex, no church. If either Parent of either the Bride or the Groom has physically assaulted any member of American society within 12 months, no church. If either party has bad credit AND had to steal programs, baby’s breath, and rose petals, no church.
If you stepped on a crack and broke your mother’s back, then no church for you, Buster Backslide!
The Christening: I will never understand the concept of infant baptism no matter how many times I re-read Wikipedia. Baptizing a human baby before it has even experienced the ever-pleasing, all-addictive joy of kinky sex, recreational drugs and hardcore gangster rap sin intrigues me. Please tell me, what is the point of washing the sin off a baby when the tyke is destined to get all sinned up and dirty again? All inappropriate jokes aside, the innocent babies should be christened in a church, but their iniquitous parents should be banned from the premises. If the Parents treats the Grandparents like a lusty band of reprobate roaches racing towards Thanksgiving dinner, no church for the parents. If either Parent is having sexual relations outside the marriage and/or a trip to see Maury’s buccal swab is in order, then no church.
Seriously though.
Don’t these professional sinners know that God doesn’t sleep? Haven’t they been warned that he is all-seeing and all-knowing? Aren’t they afraid of being smote down by an angry God? I know some of you don’t pay any attention to God, but fear the words of a King. It was King David who said, “God is a just judge, and God is angry with the wicked every day.” And what words do I have for those of you who now stand appalled at the notion that I, of all people, could portend to know WWGW or “What Would God Want?”
I have no words for you. But, I did notice that NOT ONE OF YOU gave up your life, your job, or your seat on the comfy couch when King George Bush II said, “God told me to end the tyranny in Iraq.”
*blink*
Yes, I went there. If Dubya, who lives in Chocolate City, far away from God, claims to know what the Big Geezy wants forreezy, then I definitely know what God wants too.
Every year, God heads to Miami for the Season. And if you wear an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie on your head while standing at Concourse D of Miami International Airport, you will hear Him sending special messages to his faithful listeners.
The tin foil hat ROCKS! It eliminates all the evil voices while increasing the signal strength of God’s voice.
That being said, I think that it is more than okay to skip Church when nefarious adults gather within those holy walls despite their licentious behaviors just hours or days before. Hell, it is an unwritten requirement that you refrain from congregating with the diseased venereal. They say birds of a feather flock together. Let’s say you are hanging out in aisle 6; row 3; seat 2 of the local Megachurch with Salacious Sally. She is dressed like a tossed salad and is actually carrying grape jelly in her purse. God has just gotten a brand new laptop with Vista installed. God sees Salacious Sally savoring a sample of sainted snatch and decides to smite her. Alas, he smites you instead.
That’s right. You are sent on the road to perdition, by accident.
Don’t look at me like that, we ALL know how Vista hates when you move, copy or delete files. And so now you’re *stuck* like Corrupted File Chuck.
Oh well. Sucks for you. Good luck with working all that out with the Angry Deity who denies making mistakes. I may not be versed in Roman Architecture or Creationism, but I know villainy when I see it. And if Devon Debauchery is walking through the doors of a Church, I will wait outside.
After all, I’ve got a plane to catch and I don’t know when it’s leaving.
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